


An Adventure with Burt the Turtle

by ThornyRose42



Category: Batman (Comics), Super Sons (Comics)
Genre: Fluff, Swearing, f-bombs galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 07:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16300814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThornyRose42/pseuds/ThornyRose42
Summary: There was a turtle by the name of Burt... who would not leave Damian alone.





	An Adventure with Burt the Turtle

_Dum dum deedle dum dum –_

“Fuck.”

_Dum dum deedle dum –_

“Shit”

_Dum dum deedle dum dum deedle dum dum_

Damian’s head hit the concrete wall as he let out an anguished moan.  Three days.  For the last three days, that song had been playing in his head.  It found a way to worm into almost every thought, and had disrupted every attempt to meditate or concentrate. 

“Are you ok?” said Jonathan Kent as he landed on the rooftop.  The younger child glanced at his friend warily.  He approached Damian as one would a frightened and wounded animal on the verge of attack. 

“No,” snarled Damian.  “No, I’m not ok.  That fucking song has been in my fucking head all fucking week.  Between that and ‘Baby Shark,’ I haven’t had a moment’s peace!”

“Oh, I love ‘Baby Shark,’” said Jonathan, gleefully.  He put his hands together, palms horizontal and touching each other, and began to clap them from the wrists.  “Baby shark, do do do-do do –”

“STOP.  Please.  I will pay you,” Damian was on the verge of hysteria.  “For the love of Allah, stop.  The entire seventh grade has been singing that song and they won’t fucking stop.  It’s so damn old!  My oldest brother fucking knows that song!”

“You should really watch your language,” said Jonathan.  “You’re not setting a good example for younger kids.”

Damian glared at his associate and growled.  The pair were working a case together in Gotham.  The goal was to take down a drug ring that was trying to infiltrate one of the local elementary schools.  The gangsters had been trying to recruit fifth graders.  Damian and Jonathan were having none of it. 

Naturally, everything went sideways quickly. 

The pair soon found themselves at the mercy of Black Mask instead of nabbing two-bit hoods and dragging them hog-tied to the police station.  Robin and Superboy woke up tied, back to back, in a warehouse several miles from where they had been taken. 

Black Mask was monologuing.  Something about revenge, doom and gloom, death and destruction, evil plans, blah blah blah.  Damian was trying to tune him out when –

_Dum dum deedle dum dum_

“No-oh-ho-ho,” Damian whined piteously.  He threw his head back and accidentally smacked Jonathan’s in the process. 

“Yes, child!  You should be afraid!  Beg for mercy!” snarled Black Mask in triumph.

“Not you,” whined Damian.  “This song.  It won’t leave me alone!”

Black Mask stopped short.  “What?”

“Seriously?” said Jonathan, who tried to turn to look at his friend.  “That… this guy’s been threatening to kill us for the last fifteen minutes, and you’re still harping about that song.”

“It’s insidious,” snarled Damian.

“What the fuck are you brats talking about?” growled Black Mask.

“Language!” said Jonathan.

Damian sighed exasperatedly.  Maybe if he sang it, it would leave him alone.  He sang the intro, then launched into the verses as loud and obnoxiously as he could.  “There was a turtle by the name of Burt.  And Burt the Turtle was very alert.”

As Damian sang, Jonathan noticed that Batman was crawling in through one of the windows.  He propped it open.

“He knew just what to do!” bellowed Damian.  “He’d duck – whoosh!—and cover.  Duck – whoosh! – and cover!”

Jonathan’s dad, Superman, had come in through the window.  The pair were waiting for the opportune moment.  Black Mask and his five henchmen were distracted by Damian’s obnoxious singing. 

“Duck, AND COVER!” yelled Damian as he finished the song.  As soon as he had finished, Superman slammed into four henchmen with the force of a speeding car.  Batman took out Black Mask and the remaining henchmen.  Superman doubled back from the stunned henchmen and untied the children.  

They were escorted out of the warehouse by their fathers just as the Gotham City Police Department showed up.  Batman relayed the night’s events to the officer in charge.  The officer then interviewed the boys separately. 

“‘Duck and Cover,’ huh?” said the officer who was a man in his sixties.  “I remember watching that when I was in school!  Except then, we took it seriously, you know?  Where’d you see it?”

“My history teacher showed it to us during our unit on the 1950s,” said Damian glumly. 

“Well, I will say that we’re grateful you boys led us to this warehouse.  There’s enough evidence to stop this drug ring for good!  Your quick thinking not only saved your lives, but has saved enough evidence to ensure that these criminals go to jail!”  Apparently, Black Mask's plan was to set fire to the warehouse with the boys in it.  Damian had been too preoccupied with Burt the Turtle to notice.  

“I was trying to get that insipid turtle’s fucking song –” said Damian

“Language!” Jonathan interrupted.

“Out of my fucking –”

“LANGUAGE!” Superman interrupted.

“Head.” Damian concluded.  

The officer smiled and finished taking Damian’s statement.  Batman took Damian home while Superman took Jonathan home.  The two boys had had enough excitement for one night.

Later, the fathers met on a rooftop in Metropolis.  

“Thank God we put tracers in their clothing,” said Superman.

“I’m fairly certain Damian has found about six of them.  I’ve got another two weeks before Damian figures out that his entire mask is one large tracer,” muttered Batman.

“Still,” said Superman, “who would have thought that an old civil defense film would save their lives.”

“Weirder things have happened,” Batman conceded.

The pair stared out at the Metropolis skyline.  Suddenly, Superman could hear Batman humming a familiar tune. 

  _Dum dum deedle dum dum_

“Shit,” Batman muttered under his breath.  It was going to be a long night.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've never had the opportunity to view the 1951 American Civil Defense film, "Duck and Cover," here's the Youtube link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKqXu-5jw60 
> 
> Here's "Baby Shark", for reference. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqZsoesa55w


End file.
